


"I would have found found you anyway"

by lnhxo



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anxiety Attacks, M/M, OCD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2018-01-01 14:25:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1045009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lnhxo/pseuds/lnhxo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first time ever posting one of my texts oh my god i'm really scared. Please mind that english isn't my first language, i'm swedish and I actually have problem with my grammar and spelling (ironic) but I tried my best to correct any misstakes and trying to make it as understandable as possible! Also very short one shot.<br/>The idea came from this picture http://25.media.tumblr.com/2b3392ba5c93939e2473c71f01d3f755/tumblr_mwa1dwsS831t1rjkmo1_500.jpg and I also found inspiration from own experience since I am diagnosed with ocd and anxiety disorder. I hope anyone out there enjoys this!</p>
    </blockquote>





	"I would have found found you anyway"

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time ever posting one of my texts oh my god i'm really scared. Please mind that english isn't my first language, i'm swedish and I actually have problem with my grammar and spelling (ironic) but I tried my best to correct any misstakes and trying to make it as understandable as possible! Also very short one shot.  
> The idea came from this picture http://25.media.tumblr.com/2b3392ba5c93939e2473c71f01d3f755/tumblr_mwa1dwsS831t1rjkmo1_500.jpg and I also found inspiration from own experience since I am diagnosed with ocd and anxiety disorder. I hope anyone out there enjoys this!

It all looked clear in the moment. There was fairy lights laying on the bed cardboard and half eaten chinese take out on the nightstand in my room, which made me love the moment. My boyfriend sat not far from me, by the window, scanning through a history book he had to read for one of his courses. I sat on my red desk chair, resting on my elbows and looked at him  
“Did you know that from 1912 to 1948 painting was an olympic event?”  
“I didn't” I answered the curly haired boy, raised my eyebrows in shock  
“What are you reading?”  
“Ancient british history. Old facts and stuff. Its actually quite interesting” he said and furrowed his forehead looking confused again  
“Are you okay? Is something coming?” I said moving to the foot of the bed closer to him  
“No. N-no. I am okay” he curled up a bit to the wall and kept the confused look burying his head in the book.  
I sighed helpless. I felt weak. He was younger than me. 3 years to be exact. It really could depend, but sometimes that felt false. I was smaller then him, a lot smaller, he described me as petit. Or tiny. I only loved when he said it, if anyone else did i would probably punch them red and blue. Only Harry could. That's why it was false, he is so smart to, so he felt years ahead of me. But in this case the age different felt true, he felt so young, so little.  
“Okay. I’m going to bed. Wake me up if you need help” he just nodded and I laid myself under the covers. Still in my sweats, jumper and socks. I couldnt really cope with the sudden winter weather.

  
I woke up by a strong scent. I looked over at the window seeing it was probably in the middle of the night. That's when i noticed the younger boy laying beneath me, he was wrapped around my waist resting his head on my chest. It was his hair that smelled so incredible. He looked so beautiful. Obviously he had sneaked under the blankets at some point, taking of his shirt and snuggled up to my side. My chest against his chin made it look all squishy and round and his lips. His lips. It looked like he did the puppy eye look in his sleep, they looked so plump. His necklace placed it self perfectly in the cups forming from his collar bones. I took an arm around him and hugged him tighter, which not in my intention, made him wake up.  
“Louis?” he flinched his eyes at me  
“I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you”  
“No harm” he said giving me a forced smile  
“You want to cuddle?”  
“I t-think s..o”  
“Harry” he snapped his head up looking at me. Looking awfully close to tears  
“You are stuttering again. Are you close?”  
He started looking around confused, making little sounds that sounded so forced, his eyes were filled. He sat up now heavily breathing. I took his hands in mine, feeling my heart close to shattering  
“I am not good enough” “Why are you with me” before i had any chance to talk he stood now starting to pick up things from the floor while banging his hand to his head, crying hysterical. It wasn't long until he started to bang his head in to other stuff.  
“Nothing is perfect” “I need to make it all fine” “Every thing” he mumbled through the now screams. I kneeled in front of him on the floor and took his head in my hands  
“Stop Harry. You know this is not you, its your illness. Calm down, take deep breathes, can you do that for me?”  
He was shaking like a leaf and started weaken in my arms and cried, cried so much. He cried out ‘Louis’ over and over for a good 5 minutes when i tried my best to calm him down  
“I have to clean the door knob, its not clean enough, its dirty” he insisted  
“No you don’t have to. You don’t have to do anything” he cried even more every time i turned down his compulsive behaviors. Even though it kinda hurt not letting him to, because they made it better in the moment, it didn’t help the ocd and the anxity in the long run. His doctors had told me several times. I walked over to my desk to grab two of Harry’s pills I had at mine’s in case of an emergency. I gave them to him with a glass of water, he did as i told and got more and more calm as every minute passed. I did my best to lay him in my bed and he got to sleep pretty quick after that. I started cleaning up in my room, not wanting Harry to get any unnecessary anxiety when he woke up. I put a tray of his favorite food on the nightstand in case he'd wake up hungry and organized his pills in the order he take them, just the way he likes it. I couldn’t help to beat myself up, even if this happend a lot. Ever since Harry had to drop out of school, panic attacks like this happens on a regular basis. But by this time I should be able to notice it earlier, i knew it was coming before I drifted of to sleep, i could have done something before it gotten worse. I hate seeing the illness take over him so much. It hurt so much every time everything takes over him and I can see his whole body in pain from the voices inside his head.  
I laid myself beside him in bed, waiting for him to wake up from his nap.

  
It was 9am, a saturday, a beautiful day, aside it was the night after a panic attack. We were both laying as close as we possible could, be both were also shaking “Harry I i love you” he now let out a small sob. “I love you so so much. All i care about is you. It hurts my whole body every time you’re not well, every time your sickness takes over what is you. I sometimes wish I had it instead. Because you are the last person I know who deserve it. I am falling deeper and deeper in love with you. Every damn day. I am in love with you. I love you. I don’t know it what other words to express it. What if i never met you?”  
“I would have found you anyway. Because i needed to find my reason to stay alive.”


End file.
